One of the city girls on Farmer Wants A Wife experiences the worst birthday of her life when the man she’s in love with snubs the special day and brings home a random new chick who he secretly has a rumpus room pash with in a moment that’s almost more sad than when one of the other ladies is taken on a dinner date to an Ampol service station.
Is the cruel act the handiwork of sneaky producers? At first we don’t believe it. But then they score the gut-punching moment to the emotional 2013 Miley Cyrus hit Wrecking Ball. We can only imagine the evil cackles coming out of that TV editing booth.
A few girls are also eliminated tonight. But these axings are forgettable… much like Leish’s birthday.
All the farmers are heading home with the new contestants gifted to them by Australia’s favorite wingwoman, Samantha Armytage. This show would be nowhere without Sam. Fed up with the crop of singles chosen by producers, Samantha took it upon herself to step in and source a bunch of intruders. I’d watch an entire show of Samantha driving around random streets in her Range Rover, pointing at strangers and rating them out of 10.
But drama’s looming. None of the original contestants know about the newbies
Farmer Benjamin brings his stray dog home to the other girls. And that’s not disrespectful terminology – he’s actually bringing a stray dog home along with the intruder. The new girl even names the pup – Skjegg, Swedish for beard. Not everyone appreciates the creativity.
“I think the dog’s name is Queef or Greg,” an unimpressed Erin says.
fingers crossed this is the clip they play on Sunrise tomorrow, just so we can hear Kochie ask Nat what a queef is.
Over at Farmer Ben’s joint, excitement reverberate through the weatherboard shack. At first we think the ancient tin roof is finally about to collapse, but then we realize it’s just Leish running around telling everyone it’s her birthday.
“It’s my birthday today!” she skips out and sniffs a fresh bunch of flowers.
She has been dreaming all night about what surprises are in store. What special gesture will come from Ben? Maybe he’ll take her out on a beautiful solo date, so he can celebrate her and they can have a truly intimate moment together – just the two of them. Or maybe he’s one of those guys who’s all about the grand gestures – the more public, the better. He could be planning to do something spectacular in front of all the other girls.
But as the morning light beams through the kitchen windows and she skips around the house Ben is nowhere to be seen. We soon hear the rumble of his ute rolling across the lawn. She runs out to greet him. Maybe he got up early and drove into town to buy her a special birthday coffee and croissant.
Or maybe he’s bringing back another random girl.
“I’m Kiani!” the intruder jumps out of Ben’s truck.
Leish is blime-fibe-eb.
As Ben gathers all the girls around the patio table, Leish waits for him to wish her a happy birthday. Hey doesn’t.
“What are we doing today?” one of the girls asks.
Maybe this is the moment Ben will regale everyone with how he plans to lavish Leish on her birthda-
“I’m gonna show Kiani around the farm,” he shrugs.
“Yeah nice,” Leish says, maybe a little too quickly.
Ben looks at Leish like she’s a complete stranger. To him, she could be Greg or Queef.
Then he looks at his new obsession. “Alright, Kiani… wanna get goin’?”
Leish is devastated. Everyone has forgotten their birthday. Away from the group, in a piece-to-camera, she starts to spiral.
“You can openly see the connection with him and Kiani and we have had a strong connection for weeks prior to them and we’ve shared a kiss so… um…” she tears up. “Yeah…”
She turns away from the camera and covers her face.
Back at the patio table, she decides to drop some subtle hints.
“I wonder what else is in store for the day,” she sighs.
What else is in store for the day? Lotsa stuff!
“Pick up the poo, put it in the jar,” the girls are instructed while squatting in a random cow paddock.
Leish is blue for the rest of the day. It’s not like she’s asking for anything extravagant – just a little special time with the guy she’s sacrificing her entire life for. She’d even settle for a lunch date at the local Ampol servo, where Farmer Benjamin takes Madeline for a romantic dinner.
After having her birthday ignored all day, Leish is finally dragged out to the patio. For a celebration? No. Tonight is the elimination dinner, so Ben decides to interrogate her about whether she’ll actually move from Brisbane if he chooses her – or if she’s just a big liar.
“I’d hate to go through this with you… fall in love with you…and you realize you’re not ready to move from Brisbane,” he says, sternly.
The only thing more offensive than this is the harsh yellow patio lighting. Happy Birthday Leish!
But it’s Kiani who steals the birthday cake. Later in the night, after Ben cancels the elimination ceremony and keeps all the girls, Kiani sneaks into the rumpus room in the dark of night and launches at him with a pash, which produces score to the chorus of the Miley Cyrus song Wrecking Ball. We assume they’re trying to align it with the fact Kiani and Ben are smashing through Leish’s heart like a wrecking ball. This kind of high-brow symbolism should be studied in universities.
Anyway, the cherry on top would be if a producer told Leish there was a birthday surprise waiting for her in the rumpus room, so she’d rip open the doors and skip in – expecting to find a secret party only to witness the kiss.
Cruel, yes. But her day was already ruined anyway.
Twitter, Facebook: @hellojamesweir